Four Rules
There are three rules about telling a bad joke:
(1) Make sure there are no children around. They don't give a damn about timing, delivery, or mood. They simply know your audience must see the really cool penny they found.
(2) Do not try to hurry the joke because your darling daughter is attempting to set fire to the cat. Her obvious play to steal your audience is to be ignored.
(3) Do not drink. This makes some people think they are funnier. However, if you are not Foster Brooks, you will simply look like an idiot. Drinking also will screw with: timing, delivery, and mood. Plus, your breath may help ignite the cat.
(4) Finally, in your drunken stupor, don't forget the running theme of the joke. That is a crime. No one finds it funny when you say: "Well, everytime she answered she should have said, "That's nice."
So, David and Mary, my apologies and I hope Stitch's fur grows back quickly.
For the record here is what I intended to say:
Two Southern belles were having lunch on the country club verandah. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me."
The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"
The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me."
The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"
The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? The one that looks like Tara? My husband is gonna buy that for me."
The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"
The first one says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?"
The second one says, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school."
The first one says, "Charm school? Why on earth would he send a lady to charm school?"
The second one says, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a fuck,' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'
(One more rule: if you can't immitate a Southern Belle -- don't.)
