Film at Eleven
Thank you for making this news conference. If you stumbled on the Channel 4 news in Los Angeles the other day you saw Dr. Diana Blaine. Well, you saw much of her. There was the matter of the pixilation.
You see, the big news on Channel 4 was that Dr. Diana Blaine, University educator, woman had -- I'm not sure I should say it. The mere mention could rock the world of my audience. You see, Channel 4, ran "teasers" about the "controversy" that Dr. Diana Blaine had, oh hell, I'll just say it. Dr. Diana Blaine has breasts.
Someone please help that young man off the floor.
It seems that Doctor Diana Blaine, educated member of society, a person dedicated to teaching impressionable youth, dared allow these impressionable youth to see her breasts.
What's that? In the classroom? Oh heavens no! Much worse. Please hold your questions a few moments more as I finish.
Dr. Diana Blaine mimicked a painting and celebrated her sunburn in three separate instances on her personal Flickr page! In all three cases her, well, bosoms, were visible.
Someone, please help that young man again. I do hope he didn't hurt his head that time.
Channel 4 could not believe that a woman had breasts! (Wait, a note handed to me informs me that Channel 4 understands fully that women have breasts. They were surprised, however, to see breasts on the Internet.) Let's see those breasts.
(Please note that our stained glass artist rendition of the breasts in question is for display purposes only and is not for sale.)
Excuse me, you with the porn star mustache. I can't read your nametag. Cory? Berland? Whatever. What's your question? Oh! Channel 4 wasn't surprised to see breasts on the Internet. I see. I commend you for your in-depth investigation. What was the problem then? Why were Dr. Diana Blaine's breasts news? (Oh, doesn't that word sound creepy?)
I see. I understand. You were reporting USC's shock that Dr. Diana Blaine had breasts. Excuse me, that Dr. Diana Blaine failed to wear a shirt in the desert? What's that? Oh! That the University was shocked that there are breasts on the Internet. Not that. Oh, the University was shocked that Dr. Diana Blaine's breasts were on the Internet. That was your report.
My able assistant handed me another note which reads:
Berglund reported that a university spokesperson was caught off guard about their reaction to Dr. Blaine's pictorial and forwarded NBC4 a copy of the university Web policy.
So the University was "caught offguard." I guess they couldn't have been concerned. Who was? A blogger. Yeah. He saw the pics. I am sure they were thrust into his face while innocently looking for the pictures of puppy dogs for which Flickr is best known.
I guess we should be just happy that the blogger called Channel 4. No, wait, according to the blogger Channel 4 pays someone to search through blogs looking for stories. The intern might want to check out AOL chatrooms next.
Back to the University. They had to run screaming when confronted with the fact women have breasts. Let's ask Burt Reynolds, sorry, the porn mustache reporter:
The content of individual Web pages is primarily a matter of free speech and academic freedom that must be protected in a university environment." - Channel 4 slide
Well, that's a buzzkill. Damn the University for standing up to protect free speech.
Let's recap for the FOX reporter who kept fainting.
1) Dr. Diana Blaine is a woman.
2) Dr. Diana Blaine has breasts.
3) Channel 4 was concerned that someone was concerned that someone saw said breasts.
4) The University was not concerned.
5) Channel 4 is concerned about that.
6) Profit! (Oh, sorry, I get carried away by bullet points)
Thanks for attending our State of the World press conference.
"I believe the body loathing of a thin, pretty, rich, white girl deserves healing. I believe the fearful reactionary sexism of the privileged young man needs addressing." -- Dr. Diana Blaine
